Growing up

I'll tell you what, getting older has is perks. Perhaps I don't look as good in a bikini as I once did (and didn't appreciate it, of course...), but I feel I'm starting to have that certain something that it takes to actually pursue things with diligence and perseverance. Taking the time to actually learn things, instead of expecting it to just "come to me". I look back at my early adulthood and cringe. How could I expect to know things that I hadn't yet learned? So silly (and arrogant), and a waste of my youth, in way. Too impatient to practice and research. But, the lesson is learned and I hope that my best years are still to come. I would really like to be creating the best stuff I've ever made when I am a little old lady with short silver hair.

This book is winging its way towards me as I type this (I love you Amazon!...Seriously, I have a bad Amazon habit, I shudder to look at my account and see all of the orders I place over the year (which I just did, to get my business receipts in order, and it was an eye opener, let me tell you. Vow made to be more selective in my purchases from now on, scouts honor.)). I'm pretty excited to get it, I hope it's useful. It had decent reviews.

I (and I suspect many of you reading share this ability) can sometimes create/draw/cook etc. etc. something that is pleasing/beautiful/well balanced/visually interesting without quite knowing how I did it, or why it turned out well. I was satisfied with that (and myself...but that is another story for another time) for a long time, but now I want to know why things turn out well, instead of groping around with blind instinct. At the same time, I'm a little afraid that if I delve too deeply I will muck up the gears somehow and will no longer be able to do what I did before without thinking too much about it. But I'm also beginning to get the idea that I am reaching the limits of what I can do without conscious effort. I know that the gears are turning in there somewhere, I can almost see it, but actual control over it is another thing. (Related? This also happens with math problems and puzzles, my unconscious mind solves things, never really letting my conscious mind in on the process (show your work!). Leaving me just as confused as before, but with the answer. Crazy?) So, I'm faced with the prospect of hitting a wall, or possibly ruining my natural creative ability with too much thought and study. Does this sound like a lot of self indulgent navel gazing to you? Oh, it is!! But this is my blog and my life, so I'm going to try to make the most of it. Feel free to tune out. :-D

Another thing I've been contemplating lately:

What if all of the ideas in my head are not endless, like I have always supposed (and taken for granted). What if they are finite, and at some point in the future the well will run dry? I look back in horror at all of the great ideas (or even mediocre or bad ideas! Who can say?! I can't remember them!) that I just threw away because I was too lazy to write/draw them down...foolishly believing I would remember them later. I really feel like the mind is an evolving thing, that changes and goes through different stages/periods over the course of a life. And what if in a few years I don't have any more ideas!? What if the fertile idea making period of my brain will come to an end? I guess I would just have to turn back to my old ideas and refine them. That doesn't sound so bad, but I might need to have a record of these ideas to turn to when the flood is over. (Ah, a metaphor! What if this creative, idea generating period is like the flood of the Nile? And the real making/creating happens after the flood ceases, leaving a rich deposit of ideas to work with/grow from? I like to think of the fields of my mind being steadily covered with a thick silty muck of ideas, bits of plant matter and the tiny skeletons of water bugs strewn throughout.)

Okay, that is probably about as much of a glimpse into my inner workings as you wanted (or more than you wanted! Ha!). It might be the coffee...onto my second cup.